So..Bambi passed away this evening.. she woke up this morning and wouldn’t eat and was struggling for breath all day. I even attempted CPR on her but it did no good. I just cuddled her and kept her warm until she passed. She died in my arms, and knew she was loved. I did everything I could do for her. I may not have been able to save this one, but I’m not giving up on the many more I can save.
Tonka is leaving on Saturday and we’re getting another batch of bottle feeders. 4 three week old kittens.
Friday was rather boring and nothing terribly exciting happened.
Saturday, as most of you have figured out if you actually read my posts, was the 3 year anniversary of my Nana’s death, it was tough to make it through, but I did, it was also my dog’s birthday, that helped I guess. It went a lot better than the past 2 years. I picked up my little sister, and got some flowers to take up to the grave, then took my sister to a movie. We saw Beastly, which was good, then coming out of the movie I ran into my friends Alex and Ashley.. started talking to them, then they wanted me to go see a movie with them. So we took my sister home, and went back to the theaters to meet Derick. We saw Battle:Los Angeles, which was good also.. had a good night.
Yesterday, was my Mom’s birthday. For her birthday, she wanted my Grandma to make her favorite dinner and a cake… so my grandma made it.. my mom shows up at about 3 in the afternoon, totally plastered, took her share of the food and cake and left.. really hurt my grandma’s feelings.
I laid on my bed and read and listened to music most of yesterday.. till Derick got to the house.. then we went to see Unknown, which was probably the best of all the movies I saw this weekend.. we got home, and ate, then I took a shower, and we went to bed, had sex, cuddled, it was storming..and here’s the thing about me and storms, I LOVE them if they’re during the day.. I HATE them when they are at night, they scare me… so every time a gust of wind would shake the house, I would cling to him, and he’d pull me closer, kiss my forehead and tell me I’m safe in his arms, which was the sweetest thing ever:) I guess I woke up a lot throughout the night, but he was right there with me every single time.
Today he went to the college with me, and took care of some stuff while I was in class, then we came home and I made us lunch, then we had sex again.
Then we went to Walmart to get me some Blistex, and Ross to look around, I bought him a pair of nice shorts for his birthday (which is still 2 weeks away) Lucky guy. Lol. Oh well, they looked nice on him;) We had sex again, then ate dinner and watched TV.
It was overall a really good weekend.
I wish I could just lay in bed with him and cuddle forever<3
In August of 2007 I went to go stay with my Nana(grandma on my dad’s side) for a week…the first night of this week, she informed me that she was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. When I say I went to go stay with her, I don’t mean that I traveled somewhere, and that I never got to see her. She lives 10 minutes away, and I saw her all the time..she was my favorite person in the whole world.
She began undergoing months of Chemo therapy and Radiation, and blood transfusions. It was terrible to watch. To watch her lose all her hair, to be sore and sick, and her skin all blotchy from the blood transfusions. I hated it… but I had faith that she’d pull out of it and get better. We started going to dinner every 3rd Tuesday of the month. It was our time together, a bonding experience. She’d tell me about new quilting projects she was interested or working on, and I’d tell her how everything was going at home..
She started feeling better, and getting her hair back.. and things were looking like they were gonna be okay…and then the Doctor’s said it was gone.
In March, she got really sick.. and was in the hospital. She had pneumonia, and she was really sick..after that night in the hospital with her.. we knew things weren’t gonna go well from here.
She was released after being in the hospital 2 days, and informed that the cancer wasn’t gone.. and was spreading to her brain..
She was given a month-3 months to live…
She went home, and was given an in-home hospice.
I remember the day she came home, and I was sitting with her in the living room..”What’d they tell you”, she asked.
“I don’t wanna talk about it..”
“What did they tell you honey.”
“That you don’t have much longer.”
“I will always love you.”
So for the next few days, we watched her get sicker, knowing that the end was near.
Not even a week later, I was at school in English class, when my mom called me and said she was coming to get me, because today was the day..
She came and picked me up from school, and we drove over to my Nana’s house, before we got there, my mom informed me that she was incoherent..
When we got there, I walked in, to see her laying in that bed, like a vegetable.. she didn’t know anything going on, or I don’t even think she knew who I was, however, my mom and aunts told me that she did, and that everything I said was still important, I held her hand and told her how much I loved her.
The whole family was there, we usually only get together like that on Christmas Eve… but they were all there.
We just kinda waited…
After a couple hours, I asked my mom if my two cousins and I could take her car and go pick up my boyfriend at the time, cause I felt like that would make me a little better. It was about a 25 minute drive to go get him, so we left… not even 10 minutes later, my aunt calls us and tell us to turn around now.
When we got back to the house and were walking up the steps, my aunt met us at the door, and said she was gone..she waited for the one person who had the most trouble saying goodbye…my Dad.. as soon as he said his goodbye, she passed.
I walked into the room, pulled up a chair beside her, grabbed her hand, and just started crying..My dad came and stood next to me, and I turned into him and continued screaming and crying. I lost a lot that day.
I struggle with this every day..I have nightmares all the time…except, I don’t really think I can call them nightmares, but she’s there in my dreams all the time, and as much as they hurt, I know that it’s just her way of connecting to me.
And now, more than ever, I wish she was here.. because everything going on with my mom.. wouldn’t be happening. My mom worshiped my Nana. She loved her more than she does her own mom (the grandma I live with). And My nana would have never let my mom become who she is now, or do the things she’s doing now..
but most importantly, my hero, would still be here.
3 years later. 3 years ago today. My Nana died. A part of me died.
And I miss her more than ever.